i miss my grandfather

I don't believe in death. I know that sounds so silly, but I just don't. Its an easy way out of being Sad. Its been 5 years since my Amazing grandfather "died". I usually just never think about it ever since it happened, because if I do, of course I will just cry and get angry and that has never solved anything. I didn't even cry at the wake or funeral, because I just didn't believe it actually happened... with over 200 people from all over the country crammed into a tiny incense smelling chapel, pouring out onto the lawn, it just all seemed surreal that this was for my own grandfather.
William Charles....God rest your soul. The funniest, most original, most entertaining, smartest, classiest, most cultured man I have ever met. And wonderful chef of course, absolutely wonderful.

A Renaissance Man
William Koneazny was a chef, a radio host, a critic, a saloon keeper, a veteran of two armed forces in two wars, an author of two cookbooks and two books on the Roman Catholic Church.
He and his brother, Jack, founded the Peerless Tree Expert Company in 1945, and he was among the first to be licensed as an arborist by the state of Connecticut.
Beginning in 1947, Mr. Koneazny was a host on the radio talk show, the ''Bill Wicky Hour,'' on a station in Torrington, and he ran a tavern, the Pearly Gates Saloon in Sheffield, Mass., just over the state line. Mr. Koneazny was employed as a restaurant reviewer by two newspapers, The Lakeville Journal and The Connecticut Western Newspaper.
Mr. Koneazny, a Hartford native, graduated from Weaver High School in 1944 and saw service in the Merchant Marine in World War II and in the Army in the Korean War.
Mr. Koneazny died June 16. He was 77.

New York Times

The Extraordinary Who Lived Among Us
By DICK AHLES
Published: December 26, 2004

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D07E1D61030F935A15751C1A9629C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=10

Worst Sleeps Ever

I can't sleep these days. Well, sometimes I can, but it's usually only after an ambien (or 2) and an Anxious Free Day (those are totally rare). Last night I was oh-so-lucky enough to wake up @ 3am to rain pouring on my head! That's what's cool about having a window right next to the head of your bed and leaving it open during a windy rainstorm. I might as well have been camping outside on my stoop.
What was also really really neat was that all of my books on my night-stand were drenched and probably ruined. I was pretty dazed so I just shoved them all on the floor as fast as I could and then laid my weary head back down on my rain drenched pillow.
On a lighter note, this is my New Favourite Movie and I have already seen it twice in the theatre, totally plan on seeing it 3 more times if it's still playing:


It really is so great and I don't care if people think it's silly, it's NOT silly and it's NOT a Love Story. Go see it. I might start working for this movie as a promoter.

i'm cynical, i was told.

a: do you always get your way?
me: yes, but only with the things that don't matter.
i found 2 lucky pennies today!!! of course that doesn't mean anything. i must have found over a thousand lucky pennies in the past 4 years and i haven't seen one ounce of GL. come on!!!!

as i lay thinking

here is what i have realised:
being in love with the idea of someone is very different than actually being in love with them.

here is a quote i read that really struck me:
"...and then I found that girl watching me. If her eyes had a been pistols, I wouldn't be talking now. I be dog if they didn't blaze at me."
As I Lay Dying. William Faulkner.

my mom has a look that shoots like pistols. she always had. if you were in really big trouble, she didn't even have to say a word. she just gave you "that look" and you knew it wasn't going to be a happy ending. moms have a way of doing that. i am beginning to practice mine. for who knows when.

my bff

you go everywhere with me and i never neglect you.

we have become so close over the past year.

i am thinking of going to the dr and just having him sew you into my hand.

thanks for everything. i don't know what i'd do without you.

happy birthday...

to me, of course.

i really am getting old.

(circa: 1986. happy 3rd birthday, little ashley)

carroll gardens.

i am really in love with my new hood, carroll gardens. it really suits me very well and it reminds me a lot of millbrook.

here is why it reminds me of millbrook:

it smells good (but, not QUITE as good as millbrook).

the neighbors are all really friendly and polite to eachother and look out for one another.

it has italian origins and there are a lot of old italians that live there.

its quiet.

lots of families and precious children walking the sidewalks.

people walking their dogs up and down, up and down the sidewalk.

strangers smile at eachother and say "hi".

beautiful old buildings.

lots of nice looking, put together people (aka no crackheads).

no enstars.

very delicious restaurants.

i want to live here forever. well, almost forever, until i get my farm.

i forgot

i completely forgot i even had a blog. i have been so frazzled.

this past weekend was good because: i was in millbrook. and thanks mom and dad for living in millbrook. great choice! (really maybe i should be thanking my great-grandparents).

it was also good because: i had another tennis lesson. i really need to work on my forehand or else i am quitting. (actually not; my mom never ever used to let us quit ANYTHING, even board games, which of course was something i wanted to do often.)

(thanks, mom and dad.)

raspberry souffle.

my new favourite interior decorator is:
Miles Redd

i just love love love his style- the colours and the mix of modern with the traditional. its so fresh and exciting.
i also love this quote from him:

"its like being submerged in the center of a raspberry souffle"

oh that makes me really really hungry.

when it rains it pours

i guess the good thing about being 25 3/4 is that if you forget your umbrella, you are capable of running 5 blocks in the pouring pouring rain.

i am not a city girl

enough said.

"i know from experience that i prefer city space to country space. i love the idea of the country, but then when i get there it comes back to that:
i love to walk but i cant
i love to swim but i cant
i love to sit in the sun but i cant
i love to smell the flowers but i cant
i love to play tennis but i cant
i love to water-ski but i cant
........
another reason i like the city better than the country is that in the city everything is geared to working, in the country every thing is geared to relaxation."
andy warhol

(i guess this is one thing that sets us apart. i dont care if all i do is relax.)

in a da hood

today on the subway i saw a nice hipster-eque boy wearing this t shirt:


this is a really nice outlet for privileged white kids to associate their lives with being gangsta. i thought it was very clever. mad props.

quality, not quantity.

this is what i need to learn to do:
be content with what i have and what i am doing.

you could give me everything on my Wish List, and for some reason, after its all said and done, i would want something else; or think that something better exists.
i don't know why i am like this.
i have been given a lot, and am very lucky. so when will all this nonsense in my mind stop?


F26 Stadt 12/54 (Berlin)
Frank Thiel
2006

oh yum.

here is where i really really want to go back to very soon:

here is what i had last time that was very delicious:

sweet potato and goat cheese croquettes.

duck meatloaf with celery root creamed spinach, an onion ring and duck jus.

chocolate chip bread pudding with butter scotch sauce and whipped cream.

(sometimes i just want to eat everything i can get my hands on.)

ohhhhh i just can't get it out of my head.

it was fathers day.

i think i have always been my dad's favourite, but dont tell bethany, christopher or clare that.

circa: 1985. my dad had cool glasses.

circa: 1985.5...my dad had coold outfits and hairdos.

circa: 1986 (i wished there was not a large shadow on my dads head)

y'all save lives?

Yesterday a woman told me I saved her life because I opened the door for her when it was pouring rain.
I've never saved someones life before, but that was not how I was picturing it to feel at all.

I am sad because:
I wished they had found Kaelan Paton. It really breaks my heart. I am grateful that my uncle and friends were part of the search team. It makes me realize that my problems are minimal and silly in comparison to the pain some people have to feel. this is something that cannot be reversed. when is enough just enough?

god rest your soul.

http://www.registercitizen.com/articles/2009/06/18/news/doc4a39ba57de7d4666955034.txt

http://www.courant.com/news/wtic-search-and-recovery-salisbury-0617,0,4160119.story

so what? so what?

things i do not like today:
hipsters
post-graduate art students who live off of their parents while they travel wherever they want to go and have fake jobs.
wishy-washy inconsistent people

things i like today:
people obeying me
the post-card i got from france
quesadillas and guac
the philosophy of andywarhol


andy warhol, of course.

i also like this story:
yesterday when i was on the F train on my way to have (2) SugarSweetSunshine cupcakes for dinner, the lady sitting next to me offered her seat to a lady standing "would you like my seat, m'am". the lady standing proceeded to say "oh, i'm not pregnant." BIG MISTAKE. she should have just taken the seat and shutup. because then of course everyone was either smirking or trying to get a glimpse at her pot-belly (which she did indeed have).
i am still debating who the situation was more embarrassing for.

in love

i fall in love pretty much everyday. you can't help it when you are surrounded by such beautiful fabrics and pieces of furniture.
the other day i fell in love with this:

normally, he wouldn't be my type. he is a little too traditional for me, but the more i looked at him, the more i loved him. i think it really has something to do with the rabbit. He is going on my Dining Room settee.
Leah and I have been scheming my Farm House for the past week. Its really coming along quite nicely and I cant wait to move in (15 years and 1 million dollars later?).
Yesterday I tried to teach myself how to draw a really great elephant but i didn't get far with that at all. Enough is enough.

ohhhh bookclub <3

BookClub. I started BookClub 3 months ago. I started it for a bunch of reasons actually:
1. I wanted to be in a Club.
2. I wanted to be in charge of a Club.
3. I wanted to read more.
4. I wanted my friends to read more.
5. I wanted to read books that I wouldn't normally choose on my own.

Initially I started BC for reading Classic Books only, but that is sort of going down-hill and I am being over-powered by my members.
Here is what we have read so far:
1. Great Gatsby (LOVELOVELOVE, this is my all time favourite book in the world. F Scott Fitz is my top author and always has been)
2. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (LIKED A LOT, this was a long book, but I enjoyed it and recommend it; although I felt the ending sort of jumped off of a cliff )
3. Slaughter House 5 (DID NOT LIKE, at first I was really into the idea of this book. However, I did not enjoy reading it, and I still feel like I didn't "get" it. Maybe I am not smart enough for it.)

NEXT we are reading: The Road. Not too pumped on this because:
1. Its not a Classic.
2. The previews for the movie look really scary and I am a huge Scaredy Cat.

BookClub is also nice because we all get to take turns choosing a restaurant that we will meet at, and suggesting books we will read next. I feel like that was a very diplomatic and gracious thing for me to instate considering I like to choose everything all the time.

slaughter house 5

tubes and pricks and pokes

friday was an extremely traumatic day because: i went to the allergist to see why i have to always drink way too much coedine and if i am allergic to milk, which i really think i am.

welllll here is what they did over an hours worth of my time:

1. made me blow so hard into this tube that i almost passed out.
2. yelled at me for not exhaling and inhaling hard enough into the tube.
3. sprayed a spray in my mouth that made my nose, mouth and throat numb the whole entire day.
4. drew on my arm with a pen and then poked me with about 24 little pokes.
5. made me sit there and waste more time for 15 minutes all alone.
6. stuck a tube with a little camera through my nose down into my mouth which made me gag and almost pass out again, so we didn't get very far with that.
7. tell me after all that trouble i am not allergic to anything.
8. made me pay $40 for pretty much ruining my day.

i really think i am allergic to something, i just have to be. maybe i am allergic to good behaviour and being nice all the time.

BOOOOOORING

sometimes when i get really bored at work i go in the bathroom and lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling for a couple of minutes. oh boy i hope noone from work ever reads this.

me: "i get so bored doing the same things day to day. don't you get bored?"
L: "no, you have to accept those things that become monotonous as your life; what- do you want to be a movie star?"
me: "yes."

"... Living only for the moment, turning our full attention to the pleasures of the moon, the snow, the cherry blossoms and the maple leaves; singing songs, drinking wine, diverting ourselves in just floating, floating; ... refusing to be disheartened, like a gourd floating along with the river current: this is what we call the floating world..."
Asai Ryōi

intellectual thoughts & sightings (not really at all)

here are some things i saw on the subway this morning:
1. a girl wearing a red t shirt that said "YOUR BOYFRIEND WANTS ME", while she was obviously walking with her boyfriend. i don't get it.
2. the girl in the red jacket crying and dabbing at here eyes with a tissue. i get it. but i wished i knew what she was crying about. i was thinking of all sorts of reasons. maybe she didn't actually know why she was crying. sometimes i feel that way.

things i thought about on the subway this morning:
1. bowery is the most useless subway stop in the world. NO ONE ever gets off of and and NO ONE ever gets on at it.
2. who killed Notorious BIG? sometimes i almost catch myself believing that theory that Puff Daddy had something to do with it.

at least i didn't see any overweight people eating pizzaria Combos at 8:30am. that always grosses me out to the maxx.

ciraca: 1985

me: "are you allowed to feel sorry for yourself?"
a: "yes, but only sometimes."

my bucket list

yesterday i started my bucket list. sad to say, i only have one thing on it so far:

ride an elephant

i dont just want to hop on top of an elephant and ride it. i actually want it to be a very drawn out process where i ride in a howdah with silk pillows, incense and all the while i sip on Indian teas.



of course jackie o. rode an elephant. i'm sure her bucket list was much longer than mine and i bet she got everything done that was on it.

1986

to all the ladies in the place with style and grace...

circa: 1986. me, of course.

i dont think i need to explain anything about this photo.

biggest fan

this saturday and sunday will be spent with 1. the most handsome boy in the world and 2. the oldest woman i know (maybe the oldest woman in the world)
i am their biggest fan.
H and i "get" eachother. which is pretty sad considering he is 2.5 and i am 25.5.
Nini is pretty funny. i always invite her up for sunday dinner (3 blocks away) and recently my mom said to stop doing that because when she is here i just get louder and louder and its just too much.
well the reason i get louder and louder is because she is 97.5 and she can barely hear anything so i take it upon myself to shout everything.

nini only cares and knows about:
1. The Mets
2. Card Club (aka millbrook gossip sesh)
3. 5pm Saturday Mass
4. Chocolate and Ice Cream
5. Her Soaps, which she has been watching for as long as i can remember
6. Her trashy Danielle Steel novels, which she has been reading for as long as i can remember












"a quiet moment together"









"awesome possum"

tonight, though, i am on a mission to find some or all of the strokes. i have a pretty good chance too. maybe one of them will marry me.
m: "still into marrying a rockstar?"
me: "yes, but a goodboy one."

aloha

hawaii

i am excited to go to hawaii because:
i have not been on a real vaca in a long time. somehow my family conveniently booked the past 4 family vacas (paris, london, rome and new orleans) around my school schedule so i could not participate. i think it has something to do with the fact that i had bad behaviour last time we had a family vaca to new orleans and my mom said never ever again.
i like the beach
i like getting a suntan
i do a of laughing and have fun with mary Q and catalina can keep us in check if need be
maybe i will see a real live volcano


i am not excited because:
i am nervous for a very long plane ride
sometimes, after 4 or 5 days, home is where the heart is

circa

things i do not like today:
my blackberry freezing
my computer freezing
anxiety
not being able to focus
having issues with everything/everyone

things i do like today:
grey and yellow together
roman columns and architecture
day-dreaming about soy icecream sandwiches
mini history lessons re: WWI and WWII
this photo of my mom and auntie jen i just re-found (see below)











circa: i dont know, 1970's
i wish my hair was as long as my moms was.
(auntie jen is wearing a kayak helmet, she isn't mentally impaired)

byebye butterfly

here is a quote that i like very much so, and it is from Slaughter House 5 which we are currently reading in Book Club (of course i will write more on Book Club soon, but my finger is broken because i fell because i stepped on Eli, so i will not type much because it hurts):

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to always tell the difference.

I just wikipedia-ed it and apparently it is part of the AA 12-step program. wonderful.



stephanie and i fed the ducks in albany a couple of times.

trade for trade

i am really into "trade for trade" if you dont know what that means (and you probably dont, because the title makes no sense at all) it means that i trade something with you for you trading something with me (that still makes no sense). aka lets say i make you some italian pasta sauce, then you trade that with me for lets sayyyyyy like cleaning my room for me; that would be a trade for trade.
soooo since we are in a recession i was wondering if anyone had anything they would like to trade for trade. it could be skillz etc. here are some things/skillz i could trade for trade:

- white domino sugar (i have a box of it, slightly used)
- life coaching; ie helping you organize your room etc
- some calcium vitamins (bc who wants osteoporosis?)
- a small LL Bean Boat and Tote (side note: it is monogrammed AEL, you could pretend it was handed down to you by your great grandmother and has her initials on it)
- i can cook a little: italian pasta sauce, french onion soup, cupcakes, dates in bacon.
- loads of clothes from Gap circa 2001 (buffalo exchange would not take them)
- making house rules for your apt (i have some really great ones up my sleeve)


sooo if any of this sounds good let me know and we can talk.


trade for trade.